So, I’ve had baby fever for, oh, at least a year now. I have two children who will turn 6 and 4 this spring, and no hope of a third child in sight.
That is by choice. To be honest, we really can’t afford daycare for a baby right now. And I can’t afford to quit working, as I bring home more than my husband does (public school pay vs. private school pay – no, private schools do not pay more!), plus I carry insurance for the family. (In addition, I like my job.) We pay quite a bit each month in student loans, have a car payment, a house payment, and two kids in private school. They go to my husband’s school, so fortunately we get a 50% discount, but it’s basically the same as what we were paying for two in daycare before this year. Having a third child in daycare would run at least $600 a month, plus diapers, baby food, formula, etc. Realistically, we just can’t swing it.
We are doing the debt snowball thing to pay off all of our debt, so once that’s done, we’ll have a little extra money, but then we want to update our kitchen, put in hardwood floor, etc.
I have some guilt about putting us into debt (school loans) for a creative writing degree. I mean, what do you do with such a degree? I will admit, it did get me a raise because it counted as my plus 30 (teachers will know what I’m talking about), but it was, honestly, a selfish degree. My husband supported me wholeheartedly, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to study with expert writers and be a part of a writing community. And I am determined to make my degree count by writing and publishing. It’s just not gonna happen overnight.
So in the meantime . . . I want a third child. I keep asking myself if I don’t feel like my family’s complete, or if I just want to be pregnant one more time, or what? I already have one boy and one girl. We have a three-bedroom house, so another child would force somebody to share. And no, I don’t particularly want months of no sleep. Plus I am pretty stressed out at home sometimes, so I’m not sure if I can handle another child and keep my sanity! But still, I want another child, even two more! (I even already have a minivan!) We have talked several times about trying to adopt from Thailand, where I grew up, but from my research it looks like you can only adopt from there if you can prove infertility. Of course, it costs tens of thousands of dollars to adopt internationally, too.
For now, I know the time’s not right. And I love my two kids so much – and they are happy and healthy, which I am thankful for. I need to focus more on loving and nurturing them than on wishing for a baby I may never have. I know I need to work on myself as a wife and mother, on showing more patience and kindness to my family. Still. . . deep in my heart, baby fever quietly hides.