The time has come for me to finally, reluctantly, shamefacedly (okay, you get the picture) admit that I need your advice. Here are some questions I’d love for you to answer about when I was growing up:
* Where was the clutter? Seriously, I don’t remember toys strewn across the living room or school papers and mail in a disheveled pile on the dining room table. Where did you even put the mail? I never saw it. My house looks like a burglar went through it. Every day.
* How’d you keep everything so clean? There weren’t stains on the carpet or toothpaste streaks in the sink. Dust never gathered on the end tables or dressers for us to draw pictures in. (May I point out that in that aspect you robbed us of something totally fun that my kids get to enjoy now?) I remember seeing you vacuum. I have no idea when you did everything else.
* How did you manage to serve hot home-cooked meals – with all of us sitting at the table – at least twice a day? I couldn’t survive without pre-cooked bacon and microwavable pancakes for breakfast or frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets for supper. And many mornings the kids eat breakfast on the couch while watching cartoons. I’m too busy making lunches, checking backpacks, and remembering to put my make up on for work that I usually end up eating my breakfast in the van.
* How in the world did you get us to behave? I remember the occasional spanking, talking-to, or having TV taken away, but that’s it. I’ve tried spanking, time out, banishment to the bedroom, taking away privileges and toys, and I even have a nifty “sticker star” chart for good behavior! And I still have a six-year-old daughter with more attitude than Snooki and a four-year-old son whose mischievousness rivals that of Dennis the Menace.
* Last, and most importantly, how did you get us to let you and Dad sleep in on Saturdays? The leave-the-cereal-out-and-turn-on-the-TV-by-yourself method hasn’t worked for my kids. If they’re awake, I’m awake. EVERY Saturday. AT 5:30 AM!!! You drugged us, didn’t you?
Your Bewildered and Less-Than-Domestic Daughter
Edit: My mom answered!! See comments.