And there is always winter. Always the coming of that cold place in the soul. I go through the motions. Church, candles, prayers, kissing the icons. But it means next to nothing. I ask over and over if God truly exists. Maybe it is just all a good story, but not the truth. Poet Louise Gluck speaks to my heart’s frozen state:
Snowdrops
by Louise Gluck
Do you know what I was, how I lived? You know
what despair is; then
winter should have meaning for you.
I did not expect to survive,
earth suppressing me. I didn’t expect
to waken again, to feel
in damp earth my body
able to respond again, remembering
after so long how to open again
in the cold light
of earliest spring -
afraid, yes, but among you again
crying yes risk joy
in the raw wind of the new world
(from The Wild Iris)
Just like the plant in this poem, I long to reawaken, for my heart to be able to respond to God again, to sense some whisper of light breaking through.
According to St. John of Damascus (as quoted on our Orthodox daily lives, miracles and widom of the saints and fasting calendar today — and among other difficulties of life) … listlessness should be destroyed by patience, perseverance and offering thanks to God…
I read over this a few times before posting it. I’m trying to offer you encouragement and this is a difficult subject as I am also prone to the feelings you describe — and described so well in the poem. Frozen translates to listless for me. I do pray that you are not despondent. I do believe that offering thanks to God helps more than anything. Hang in there! (So maybe patience and perseverance help more than I know!)
Thank you so much! I do not think I am despondent – I hope not. I am just in a spiritual dry place right now. I appreciate your encouragement!
I´ll send you a piece of my spring for you very soon!