I am out of my element.
I was good with little ones, but those skills are no good now.
My children are changing, and I have to change with them.
Finger paint and play doh cannot be found in my house anymore; summer boredom can’t be cured by a nature walk or library storytime.
There is a tween living in my house now.
I am not old enough or mature enough for this.
My daughter and I are having really new conversations. Conversations about cigarettes, alcohol, puberty, and peer pressure. Talks about being mistreated, feeling like a failure, and feeling like a success. Many of these talks have been initiated by my daughter.
There is a tween living in my house now, and I am supposed to parent her.
And the baby! He’s so tall people think he’s in third grade, not first. Wait . . . second. He’ll be in second in the fall. Where did my baby go?
Ephraim’s in his chrysalis right now, growing wings and a new awareness. He wants to be liked, and he wants to be strong, but he still has a tender heart. I worry that I push him to please me too much.
I worry that I can’t do this. It seems like I still haven’t really figured parenting out, and Madeleine is nine now, halfway through her time with us. It seems unfathomable.
{I still quietly wonder if there will ever be a third. There always seems to be an excuse: not enough money, not enough time, too much stress.}
Our lives spin.
What do I want?
I want for my children to know that they are loved, always, no matter what. I want them to know that I am trying to let go of my control freak ways, but it’s hard. I want them to know that it is never about pleasing Mama; it is about teaching them to become good people. I want them to feel like they are worth my time. I want them to know that I am the one that has their back. I want them to know that I think they are creative, kind, smart, complicated, wonderful creatures. I want them to believe in themselves. I want them to believe in others.
What do I want?
I want to remember that sometimes it helps when I stop barking orders and start listening. I want to remember that I only get one chance at this. I want to enjoy this, this fleeting moment, which will pass as quick as a falling star, and yet the weight of it will be so heavy on my heart forever.
Many thanks to my friend Karla for the pictures!!
Ahhhh, Karissa you are going to make me cry dear one with this reflection! I feel often that you are a decade-older version of me. It feels like life is spinning so fast. Sad, happy, mixed, craziness.
Beautiful pics of your beautiful kids too!