I feel like I am hovering in the in between.
As I slowly unravel my past and write more about Thailand, I find myself caught in some dream world between past and present, between my old self and my new one, looking for the true me that might be some amalgam of both.
I wrote a book, sent it to two agents and a small publisher, heard nothing, and stopped. I just stopped. I haven’t quit. I’ve haven’t given up. I’ve got a Pinterest board of small publishers that I can send my book to. Eventually I will get around to printing out the manuscript and sending it to them. I just need to step away for a while. There is the struggle of finding a publisher, and then there is the struggle of always attempting to make it out on top.
Sometimes you need to forget about on top. Sometimes you need to explore the underbelly of the mountain, the deep dark caves that can teach you much about life in the midst of failure and shadows.
For now, I’ve turned back to writing a bit of poetry. I’m working on a couple of essays. And I’m trying my hand at fiction again. I’ve rebooted my memo board and it is fresh with new quotes. Last night I cleaned off my writing desk. I hauled a bunch of books upstairs and replaced them with a few slim volumes of poems (including Rilke, of course). I put my stack of beta-read and marked up manuscripts away. I don’t know where exactly my writing is taking me. Simply put, I’m in the in between.
This blog has turned into a faith blog, but maybe I’ve grown tired of all my tossing and tumbling with faith. I’ll write about faith if I feel like it, I will. Yet maybe I’ve written enough, and it’s time to be silent. Or to wait until new words come to me.
I want to write more about books, and about writing, and about simple interactions with people, and about my past. I want to find new words, and new stories, and new meaning.
Today I changed my bio and my tagline. I’m not sure if I like them. I may change them again in a few days. What remains true, though, is that one line in my bio: I am simply metamorphing.