I am out of my element.

I was good with little ones, but those skills are no good now.

My children are changing, and I have to change with them. 

Finger paint and play doh cannot be found in my house anymore; summer boredom can’t be cured by a nature walk or library storytime.

There is a tween living in my house now. 

I am not old enough or mature enough for this. 

My daughter and I are having really new conversations. Conversations about cigarettes, alcohol, puberty, and peer pressure. Talks about being mistreated, feeling like a failure, and feeling like a success. Many of these talks have been initiated by my daughter.

There is a tween living in my house now, and I am supposed to parent her. 

And the baby! He’s so tall people think he’s in third grade, not first. Wait . . . second. He’ll be in second in the fall. Where did my baby go?

Ephraim’s in his chrysalis right now, growing wings and a new awareness. He wants to be liked, and he wants to be strong, but he still has a tender heart. I worry that I push him to please me too much.

I worry that I can’t do this. It seems like I still haven’t really figured parenting out, and Madeleine is nine now, halfway through her time with us. It seems unfathomable.

{I still quietly wonder if there will ever be a third. There always seems to be an excuse: not enough money, not enough time, too much stress.}

Our lives spin. 

What do I want?

I want for my children to know that they are loved, always, no matter what. I want them to know that I am trying to let go of my control freak ways, but it’s hard. I want them to know that it is never about pleasing Mama; it is about teaching them to become good people. I want them to feel like they are worth my time. I want them to know that I am the one that has their back. I want them to know that I think they are creative, kind, smart, complicated, wonderful creatures. I want them to believe in themselves. I want them to believe in others. 

What do I want?

I want to remember that sometimes it helps when I stop barking orders and start listening. I want to remember that I only get one chance at this. I want to enjoy this, this fleeting moment, which will pass as quick as a falling star, and yet the weight of it will be so heavy on my heart forever. 

 

 

 

Many thanks to my friend Karla for the pictures!!